so bloody complicated

People are so bloody complicated. i remember a time when this was basically my mantra in life. It explained everything for me.
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It probably still does, actually. Explain life, i mean. Although i don't say it as much now as i used to. i guess after a while it just got a bit old, and not so funny anymore. Was reminded of it today, though, talking with an old friend about some of our old friends, and some other people we know. All these human stories.
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making a start

Starting to think about and work on the possible anthology project, it occurred to me that it's been so long since i've done anything like this. A major project, that is, which necessitates working with lots of people from different backgrounds and different areas of expertise, learning new things, fumbling around, making mistakes, working round / through those mistakes, bringing it all together.
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The last time i think was the choir trip to Italy, and goodness knows that was far far too long ago. i remember the exhaustion, and the exhilaration -- the craziness of it, everything happening at once and having to hold it all together, and how the end result so made up for all the work and frustration of the preparation stages. It's still the best experience of my entire teaching career. Of course it helped that i had such wonderful people working with me... Honestly, that batch of Choir kids was simply exceptional. (So yes, if any of you are reading this, here's a shoutout to you! Love you all.)
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Anyways. Anthologising. It'll be so fun. i think. i hope. And a way to contribute to the literary scene here, to give back, i guess, in return for all that i've been given.
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new-old dream

When the Muse is not being cooperative, a writer's mind turns to anthologising...

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The beginning of a new adventure? Let's see where this goes...

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new-old nordic poet

Have just been introduced to a new Nordic poet -- or rather, a Nordic poet i've never heard of before. Inger Christensen (1935 -- 2009). A woman too. She wrote in Danish, but her work's been translated into English. Here's the poem that piqued my interest:
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I always thought reality
was something you became
when you grew up.
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In the square stands Fata Morgana
looking tired, shouting
Morning paper—morning paper.
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(from Light, by Inger Christensen)
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i don't know how this sounds in Danish -- possibly rather ugly, actually, from what i know of the Danish language -- but in English it has that plain, simple clarity that i sometimes admire so much in writing -- if the clarity is there for a purpose and not just because of a writer's literary limitations. (i think it's possible to tell the difference...).
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In this case, i like the simple confession of a childish misunderstanding, and Christensen's sheer daring in bringing a word like 'reality' into the first line of a poem. (i'm remembering now what Nabokov said about how 'reality' is the one word that should always be enclosed in inverted commas...).
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But what makes this poetry is the 2nd stanza -- the way 'Fata Morgana' is slipped in, just like that -- looking tired, selling the morning paper with all its news and distortions of news. The juxtaposition of the two stanzas gives the poem a tantalising air of mystery. This poem has its secrets.
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vicious circle

Kids these days have it very hard. Just saw the test papers from A School That Shall Not Be Named today. Really tough questions -- certainly not something i would have given to a 14-year-old if i had any say in the matter. It's nuts, this kiasu-ism. Is there really a need to push our children so hard? (Yes, they need to keep up with the competition, is the answer i hear. What competition? This school IS the competition; it sets the standards that the rest of Singapore then scrambles to keep up with. And my students -- bless their souls, for they are lovely people -- are probably among the top 0.5% of their cohort. Why do they need extra tuition?)
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And i'm part of this whole stupid game as well. This is why i resisted leaving the state school system and joining the private tuition industry for so long. Because i see it as just another cog in the system that drives this crazy vicious circle of ever-increasing standards, ever-increasing workloads, ever-increasing levels of stress. Our kids just have no time for a real childhood anymore. It's nuts -- what are they doing, going for extra tuition from 7.30 to 9.30pm on a weekday evening? They should be at home, relaxing with their families, watching TV, doing their homework, reading, playing with their goldfish, whatever. Instead, here they are, giving me an income.
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This is the way systems everywhere operate -- when people acquiesce to something they claim they have no control over. We do have control. Each and every one of us. We can choose to say No. It's just that for most of us, the cost of that No may seem too high. Most of us are not Nelson Mandelas or Aung San Suu Kyis, and will not choose self-sacrifice for a principle, even if we know it's the right thing to do.
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And so the world goes, and so things get worse and worse, while we keep whining, whining, whining...
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The Lady speaks

Aung San Suu Kyi is in Singapore. And it's all over the news, her verdict on our island-city-state. Let's just say it isn't entirely complimentary. The woman's got guts. i'm grateful to her for speaking up.
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It's time all of us in this country started doing some soul-searching. Instead of blaming The Government and The System for the stress, hyper-competitiveness, social inequity, etcetcetc that everyone is whining about these days, we need to recognise that systems are made up of individuals -- and every choice we make, whatever our motivation, goes towards making The System the way it is, either by active modification, or passive acquiescence.
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Here's Bertha Henson, asking some hard questions. Not quite enough, perhaps, but it's a start. i think i'll put up my thoughts here too, someday. When i'm in a position to criticise, when i'm no longer complicit. For the moment, though, i'm too entwined in The System to be able to criticise it with a clear conscience. Soon, though.
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The Lady on the Lion City
by Bertha Henson
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So, the Lady sweeps into town and we hear her talk about our education system being “workforce oriented’’. Said Myanmar’s Aung San Suu Kyi: “That made me think... what is the purpose of a workforce... of work... of material wealth? Is that the ultimate aim of human beings? Is that what we want?’’
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Material achievement is important so that there is freedom from want, she said, but values such as love for each other, loyalty and spirituality were what kept her people going through years of oppression.
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“So there are many things that help us to survive that had little to do with material achievement.’’
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What a change from reading about foreigners who come over to learn from Singapore and heaping praise on how we work! What a change from reading about how little Singapores were being created in parts of China! Here is someone saying, “Thank you, but no thanks.’’
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In fact, it is a reflection of our hubris that one of the questions put to her, according to ST, was what she saw in Singapore that she might like to recreate in Myanmar.
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Her response: “I don’t think 're-create' is the word, 'learn' yes.’’
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Of course she was polite. “One gets used to thinking of Singapore as a financial, commercial city, where people are more intent on business and money than human relationships, but I have to say I was pleasantly surprised that there is a lot of human warmth going round this place.’’ Ouch!
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As for what Singapore can learn from Myanmar, she suggested a “more relaxed way of life’’. (Oh! Blasphemy!) She also suggested “warmer, closer family relationships’’.
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We should do some furious thinking and soul searching.
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Are we just a money-grubbing nation, efficiently churning out digits for the future
workplace? Are we all about the CBD skyline? Is that really how other people see us? As calculative individuals who do not put much stock in human relationships?
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We can play the finger-pointing game here. But maybe the root of the problem lies far deeper. Yes, we are a nation that survived hard times – but which moved on to being built on the promise of economic wealth rather than social health. Our relentless pursuit for the good life has become so natural that we aren’t even conscious of it.
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Here’s one example. In my past life, there was an American journalism consultant who came to Singapore to look over the content of our newspapers. What he said surprised those of us who were in charge of putting the day’s news. He said The Straits Times was all about numbers, especially dollars and cents. Fees, cost, price, salaries, discounts, premiums, investment, household income, bonus, credit, subsidy, scams, indices, stocks seem to dominate all areas of coverage whether education, transport, health, sports – not just business news.
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He asked if Singaporeans were interested in nothing else. Because the image to foreigners from reading the media is that the country is all about materialism and money. Then the news editor, I was taken aback at his remarks. Yes, there always seemed to be an instinctive need to suss out the “accounts’’ of anything, so to speak. It became so that dollar signs also dominate headlines, never mind that the amount is insignificant to the matter at hand.
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What about religion, he asked. With so many temples, churches and mosques, people must be interested in religious issues as well.
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So we took a stab at covering religion. Quite tentatively, because ST is a secular paper and would not want to be seen as favouring one group over another. Still, quite naturally, articles would veer into the dollars and cents type of stories – remember Ren Ci? St Teresa? Now City Harvest?
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Maybe we’ve forgotten how to report on the softer, spiritual side of life. Or maybe the media is merely a mirror of society, reflecting what citizens care and talk about. Money.
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Now we seem to be taking steps to get back to the heart of who we are or want to be. The Our Singapore Conversation series concluded that we (too!) want a “more relaxed way of life’’ with more opportunities and chances to level up. We’ve come to realise too that the good life is more than just about money.
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The fear, of course, is that we will move from being a hard-charging nation pounding the economic treadmill to being happy enough at walking pace. That is, we will move from one extreme to another, forgetting that, unlike Myanmar, we are a very small country that can be easily be overwhelmed by forces outside our control.
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Can we find a happy mean?
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(from The Breakfast Network)
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a turning world

Take time. To be quiet, to listen, to pray. To allow the noise to fall away so that what is left is a waiting silence, clear and still. And then, from that still point of the turning world, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.
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obsession much?

So, at some point, you stop to take stock, and realise that in the last 2 years, of all the good or at least vaguely decent work you have completed:
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2 essays,
5 poems, and
1 short story
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have involved geography / geology and place in some form or another, either as central metaphor / symbol, or as literal subject matter.
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And that's not even counting the work-in-progress that will hopefully one day be good enough.
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Clearly, your super-inspirational geography teachers back in secondary school have a lot to answer for......
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credo

"I have a dogmatic certainty: God is in every person’s life. God is in everyone’s life. Even if the life of a person has been a disaster, even if it is destroyed by vices, drugs or anything else—God is in this person’s life. You can, you must try to seek God in every human life. Although the life of a person is a land full of thorns and weeds, there is always a space in which the good seed can grow. You have to trust God.”
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(Pope Francis I)
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complicity

Terribly annoyed at people whining about the way things are in this country without realising, or admitting, how much the way things are is a function of the way we are: that unless we change in some fundamental way our worldview and values, things, policies, and systems will always be warped by these values, and nothing will ever change in any real, substantive way.

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i wish that we, as a nation, as a people, will just for once take responsibility and acknowledge our complicity.

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there is a world out there

Sometimes, just when you're starting to feel a leetlebit too comfortable in your Life As It Is, something happens along to remind you that you're not actually that comfortable after all, that the comfort and security may be more of an illusion than you think...
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Everyone needs a butt-kick from the Universe every once in a while.
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raindrops on roses

They just don't make songs like they used to anymore...
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horrifying thought

"We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny. But what we put into it is ours. He who wills adventure will experience it – according to the measure of his courage. He who wills sacrifice will be sacrificed – according to the measure of his purity of heart."
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(Dag Hammarskjöld)
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Horrifying thought -- horrifying precisely because it is probably true -- that purity of heart leads inevitably to sacrifice; no, that purity of heart is directly proportional to degree of sacrifice.
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Blessed are the pure in heart, indeed.
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seeking advice

One very interesting thing about seeking advice -- you really do see that people are so very very different, in the things they value or prioritise, the way they see the world, the way they think about life. You also see, i think, a bit of what makes them tick -- one of my Lit teachers back in the day told us once that people give advice to justify their own decisions. Or, perhaps, to try to prevent others from making the mistakes they have made. But one man's mistake may be another man's necessary life lesson -- or, perhaps, under different circumstances in a different time, one man's mistake may be another man's unexpected success story. You just never can tell for sure.
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It's all deeply, deeply fascinating. i must write properly about this someday.
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people for others

Praying for other people is a good way of remembering that There Is A World Out There, outside of one's own mind and life and petty concerns. It's about connection and community, and being part of something bigger than oneself. It's a good thing to do, and we should all do more of it.
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clarity (3)

i want to read poetry that is as clean and clear as ice, words that cut straight to the heart. i want the temperate cold, to see my breath turn to mist in the morning air. i want all clutter, all mess, all un-clarity to begone and make way for a calm simple whiteness. i want my life to be the 'Theme' from Bach's Goldberg Variations made manifest and incarnate.
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i want i want i want.
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afterwards

Apparently, it's been found that many prisoners, upon release from prison, find it hard to leave because they cannot imagine life 'outside', or, imagining it, are afraid. Staying in prison then seems the more comfortable, favorable option. Proof that human beings can get used to anything. And that the imagination, after being cooped up too long, can grow so used to being cooped up that it loses its capacity to imagine different horizons, wider horizons.
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do i dare to eat a peach?

i've always liked this poem, in the friendly sort of way you like a neighbour's dog, maybe, without actually loving it or wanting anything to do with it. But i could never quite relate...

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And indeed there will be time 

To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?" 

Time to turn back and descend the stair, 

With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—                               

(They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!")

My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, 

My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin— 

(They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!") 

Do I dare 

Disturb the universe? 

In a minute there is time 

For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. 

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(from 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock', T.S. Eliot)

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who knows, what next, so be it

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Nonce Words
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The road taken
to bypass Cavan
took me west,
(a sign mistaken)
so at Derrylin
I turned east.
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Sun on ice,
white floss
on reed and bush,
the bridge cast
in an advent silence
I drove across,
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then pulled in,
parked and sat
breathing mist
on the windscreen.
Requiescat . . .
I got out
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well happed up,
stood at the frozen
shore gazing
at rimed horizon,
my first stop
like this in years.
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And blessed myself
in the name of the nonce
and happenstance,
the Who knows
and What nexts
and So be its.
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(Seamus Heaney)
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miracle

Beauty in simplicity.
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Miracle
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Not the one who takes up his bed and walks
But the ones who have known him all along
And carry him in -
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Their shoulders numb, the ache and stoop deeplocked
In their backs, the stretcher handles
Slippery with sweat. And no let-up
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Until he's strapped on tight, made tiltable
And raised to the tiled roof, then lowered for healing.
Be mindful of them as they stand and wait
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For the burn of the paid-out ropes to cool,
Their slight lightheadedness and incredulity
To pass, those ones who had known him all along.
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(Seamus Heaney)
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for all good gifts

For the millionth time...
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Thankful for my friends.
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sumatran squalls

It's been raining a lot lately. Morning rains, afternoon rains, late night rains, like the rain falling now. There's something about rain in Singapore that i've always loved. It makes the air feel gentler, it makes you want to hunker down and huddle, dive under a warm blanket and snuggle. Very different from the rain in London or Norway, which is just depressing, or the rain in Berkeley, which makes for a peculiar kind of desperation, possibly because Berkeley is so not designed for rain. The rain in Taipei didn't feel gentle like the rain here, even when it was just a light drizzle, perhaps because of the humidity there, which, improbably, felt even worse than the humidity here.
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Just across the street from my window, there's a streetlamp, its circle of orange light illuminating the rain slanting down in broken silver streaks.
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i've just found out that these rains are Sumatran squalls. What a lovely evocative name. Though the truth is these rains are not squalling at all; they fall, steady and patient, and part of me wishes they would never stop.
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Yes, there's something special about the rain here that i've never encountered in rain elsewhere. It's one of the things i love most about home.
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things being various

The world is such an infinitely interesting place, filled with such infinitely interesting people. And all of whom think and see the world in such interestingly different ways. And if each individual's way of seeing the world creates, in a sense, its own distinct universe.... Just imagine. If each distinct universe could be mapped out concretely, somehow, if one's mind-space could be projected visually in some quasi-holographic form.... There would be an almost-infinity of mind-world-maps, each one mostly overlapping with its neighbour but for that little bit of difference which would overlap with part of another mind-world-map..... Like an extremely complicated venn diagram....
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So much difference -- it's wonderful.
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And in honour of that, here's a poem, posted on this blog for the 3rd time. i don't think i'll ever tire of this one.
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Snow
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The room was suddenly rich and the great bay-window was
Spawning snow and pink roses against it
Soundlessly collateral and incompatible:
World is suddener than we fancy it.
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World is crazier and more of it than we think,
Incorrigibly plural. I peel and portion
A tangerine and spit the pips and feel
The drunkenness of things being various.
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And the fire flames with a bubbling sound for world
Is more spiteful and gay than one supposes -
On the tongue on the eyes on the ears in the palms of one's hands -
There is more than glass between the snow and the huge roses.
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(Louis MacNeice)
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and now for something completely different

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
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The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
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The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
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Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
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The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
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Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
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The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
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Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level."
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(John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person)
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new 'A' level subject (2)

If this works out with the first batch of guin... oops er i mean students of course... then maybe the other, more established examination boards will take it up. Especially if the universities are offering it at B.A. and M.A. level, and if there's demand for these courses -- which i know for sure there is. Demand outstrips supply, in fact, in the UK and US. And as for Singapore ... Well, we've got Robin Hemley starting up a creative writing programme at Yale-NUS. There's the NTU creative writing M.A. and Ph.D (which, to be fair, i don't know very much about). Things are just starting to get going here. Perhaps, in a few years' time, after the tertiary programmes have become more established and reputable, there might be a need for programmes at 'A' level as well.
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Taking creative writing as an 'A' level subject doesn't have to necessarily lead to a career as a writer. i mean, how many people who take, Geography, for instance, at 'A' level, go on to do anything even vaguely related to Geography? Or, more to the point, how many people who do Music or Art at 'A' level end up as professional musicians or artists? But they may use the skills they learn in other ways: interior design; working with soundtracks... Who knows. The possibilities are myriad. People who do an 'A' level in writing could go into any of the creative industries: the media, advertising, heck, even civil servants might benefit from knowing how to write more persuasively. But basically, the idea is that the world (and certainly Singapore) could benefit from better writing in ALL areas of life and industry, and not just in High Art. And, given our current drive towards a knowledge-based innovation-driven creative-destruction-oriented non-outsourceable-services economy......
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Obviously, there won't exactly be a deluge of people in Singapore taking up this option even if it were ever offered in schools here. (And it would take years for that to happen here, if it does happen.) But i see a critical space here for creative writing to be offered as an 'A' level elective, in the same way as art and music, perhaps with selection tests / entry criteria so that only those who can manage will get in, and to prevent it from becoming another grade-churning mediocrity-producing machine. It can be taught as part of a special programme, like the AEP or MEP, with specially-trained teachers (or even published writers without any teaching qualifications per se who want to make the switch into a teaching career -- they can always be trained). And it would give people who want to do some creative writing, but who may not necessarily want to write full-time, a means of keeping in touch with the writing world, and also passing on their skills and knowledge to the next generation.
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i actually think this is LONG overdue. After all, art and music have been taught at 'A' level for ages. It's the same thing, isn't it -- creative writing is to literature what composition is to music, or making art is to art. Why do we not teach our students how to create literature in addition to critiquing it?
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new 'A' level subject

Creative writing at 'A' level in the UK??!!??
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i would never in my wildest dreams have imagined......
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Suddenly. Light on the horizon. Possible roads for the future. (And yesyes, it's early days yet... It's a long road ahead. And yes this is old news; i'm 5 months behind time... but i suspect i might be the first person in Singapore to know about this......)
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Somehow. This news is just wonderfully comforting. Coming at a time when i'm starting to doubt my own intuition... Somehow, this feels like such a wonderful affirmation that i was not wrong in choosing what i chose, what i have chosen. And choosing in the dark too, with so little concrete evidence (at the time) to support what i wanted to do -- just this sense that i was called to do it. It's wonderful how doors have been opening in ways i would never have imagined possible.
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Ok. Lesson learnt. TRUST YOUR INTUITION DAMMIT. Repeat 10,000 times. Then repeat again. Stop doubting and questioning yourself so much. Not everything in life is about logic and what looks right. Sometimes, the heart knows better. Trust God.

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the one thing needful

Good reminder...
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Good decisions emerge from deep prayer
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In the story of Martha and Mary (Lk 10:38-42), Jesus highlights two dimensions that must be balanced in the life of a Christian. We can recognize this balance in Pope Benedict. For eight years he was endlessly available to the needs of the Church. Then, as his health declined, he felt called to give priority to the contemplative dimension of life. I say ‘he felt called’ – he was open to hearing in his heart the quiet invitation of God. His decision to step down was born out of deep prayer and inner freedom.
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How well do I balance in my life the Martha and the Mary? Do I ever ‘feel called’ by God? Am I quiet enough within to notice what God may be asking of me? Or do I never even imagine that I am sufficiently important for God to ask me anything? Do I rush into decisions and ignore ‘the still small voice’ which Elijah heard on the mountain? St Ignatius, although a busy administrator, advised against making any decision without first consulting God, ‘as a wise and loving Father’.
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Openness to significant change also requires Benedict’s inner freedom. ‘To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often’ says Newman. Am I truly alive and open to ‘new things’ (Isaiah 48:6) that have the touch of God about them? And finally, am I strong enough, as Benedict was, to go against the expectations of those around me in responding to God’s call?
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(Gerry Whelan SJ)
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people who need people

"People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world."
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True.
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Thankful for my friends.
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clarity (2)

Right now, all i want is clarity. Like in Bach's Goldberg Variations, or maybe his Cello Suites, although intuitively, when i think 'clarity' i think the clarity of the piano -- with just that sliver of ice in it -- and not the warmth of the cello.
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Maybe all my life, i've hankered after clarity. Maybe that's why i fell in love at first sight with the Front Porch that changed my life when i was 16 -- the clean lines, white pillars, the trees towering over the carpark. Maybe that's what i loved so much about the ice-blue skies and listening pines of Norway. Something so clear about them, so final and definite, so singular and single. To not be assailed by doubts, hesitations, imprecision -- to be certain and sure.
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Ok. Let's go listen to some Bach. And oh God, i miss Norway.
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