desiccation

Just so that i don't forget this phrase: a desiccating secularism. Yes, that's the word i've been looking for to describe the literary world here. A world where people deny the existence of God while desperately searching for meaning. That's a futile quest -- more than one famous thinker has said so. So yes, the result is desiccation. That's the best word for it.
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home (1)

So i've been thinking over the last several weeks: gradually, over the last few years, Singapore has become 'home' to me. i still want to write a proper long essay about this (that mythical 'Home: An Evolution Part 2 that i promised HM over 3 years ago). But for the moment, let me just set this down.
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Reasons:
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1. Finding a place for myself, sortof, in the literary community. My writing gave me a place to stand, a place to use my talents for the larger good (hopefully), a place from which my voice could be heard.
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2. Coming to terms with the fact that -- in the words of various friends over the years -- i'm 'weird', 'different', 'not normal', 'off-centre'. And also coming to terms with the implications of that fact: that i'll always feel on the margins, slightly out-of-place, that i'll never really fit in with the majority of any society, anywhere.

i think a big part of this coming to terms was teaching in The Third School, and hearing my colleagues going on about how 'weird' the kids are -- and thinking to myself, Erm, actually, i'm kinda like that too. i found myself always defending the kids, and realised that perhaps we had more in common than i'd thought. (Who would've thunk? These kids are good at maths. And i can't do maths to save my life.)  And then there was all the subsequent reading-up, and the sense of recognition, that feeling that what i was reading was essentially 'the story of my life'.
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i slowly realised that my feeling out-of-place in Singapore was not the country's problem or the problem of the people around me: it was my difference that was the problem. And that really gave me a new sense of freedom. A freedom that comes with knowing that Singapore is never going to feel like home in the way i used to want it to, and neither is any other society; that i would have to find my home with like-minded people like the kids in The Third School; that it would always be hard to find the people who are home simply because they are so few in number, relatively. And that this was OK.
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i guess, essentially, my expectations of what 'home' can and should be has changed. i no longer expect Singapore to be a place where i can feel understood, or where i can find kindred spirits who see things the way i do. These days, it's enough that it's a place where i can feel safe, where i'm seen as part of society and not as an 'alien', where i can make a life for myself with my small community of friends and family, where i can contribute in some way to the well-being of society, even if it's just writing for a small audience or teaching a small, select group of students.
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angriest country in the world (3)

At the same time, i'm learning also that America is a harsh country to live in -- even if you're white. i am appalled by the education system (the way K - 12 is structured, the ridiculous cost of tertiary education), appalled by the job market (i have friends sending out hundreds of job applications), appalled by the lack of sensible provisions for the poor. Maybe they have much to be angry about.
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angriest country in the world (2)

And, perhaps.... all this talk of "rights" -- neglects the fact that my 'right' to something invariably 'violates' somebody else's 'right' to something else: my 'right' to freedom of speech violates somebody else's 'right' to a psychological safe space, and vice versa; my 'right' to practise my religious beliefs violates somebody else's 'right' to marry someone of the same sex in the religious establishment where i worship; a woman's 'right' to sexual freedom and reproductive choice violates the 'right' to life of an unborn infant; someone's 'right' to own a gun violates somebody else's 'right' to feel safe in their school / movie theatre; etc etc.
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Maybe that's why America is so angry all of the time. Because the focus is on 'rights', and not on 'responsibilities'; because with all the focus on the self above community, it's all about me me me and what i am entitled to; forgetting that my entitlement takes away from somebody else's entitlement, and forgetting that having one's 'rights' violated, is a fundamental fact of life when living in community.
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angriest country in the world

Sometimes it seems like America might just be the angriest English-speaking nation in the world. How did one country become so incredibly angry at everything? So easily offended? Always looking for some micro-aggression or other to get touchy over?
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Now don't get me wrong. i'm all for fighting injustice. But the way America is right now -- sometimes it seems like people just go out of their way to look for slights and offences. It's exhausting. i wonder if it's because things are really so bad here, or if it's no better nor worse than any other place? Perhaps Americans are just a very angry and easily offended bunch of people? After all, this country is widely acknowledged, even by Americans themselves, to be 'litigious'. Might that litigiousness not spill over from lawsuits into everyday life? Has there been any time in history when Americans were not so angry? Not so bent on fighting things, picking fights with the world? Right from their founding, they were picking fights. And they are well-known for being involved in one too many foreign wars. Maybe it's just something in their culture. If so -- what an exhausting way to live.
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The more time i spend here, the more i see that the Singapore Way really is a pretty sensible way to live. In recent years, i see many young Singaporeans becoming more and more angry at things: more indignant at the way things are in Singapore. Now, at age 40, i find myself wanting to tell them: Children, life is deeply unfair. The world is unfair. (And not always in a bad way either. Just being born in Singapore means that most of us landed on the fortunate end of the 'unfairness' spectrum. Think about it. We could have been born ... Rohingyas in Myanmar.) And there are lots of things in life that are not the way they should be. And by all means, we should strive to make things better. But don't let the imperfections of this world blind you to its beauty, to all the things that are good, that are right. Because it's both, you know. Life is both, beautiful and ugly, good and bad. So yes, recognise the ugly, but acknowledge the good too. Because seeing more of one than the other, is usually not a healthy way to live.
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history

'History is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake.' (James Joyce, Ulysses)
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When Brilliant Young Mind came up to me earlier this year with his questions about history, i was mostly unprepared to talk about it with him. Not just because of all the "politics" and protocol surrounding the matter -- and these were considerable -- but also because i hadn't started thinking about history yet, at least, not in the way i've been thinking about it for the last few months. By the time i was ready to talk about it, he was too busy with other things -- and i still see that as a lost opportunity. Because, who wouldn't want to talk with a bright young mind asking good questions about Important Things, especially when these questions are affecting that bright young mind in a way that such questions rarely affect other more normal people? So the teacher-helper in me sees that as a lost opportunity to help, to 'make a difference' (cheesy as that may sound); and the teacher-geek in me sees it as a lost opportunity to explore ideas that i care about, with another fellow-geek who also cared about those ideas, in a way most people normally do not.
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For the moment, i'm just struck by the way events and individual decisions interact and gather force over time and become an irresistible tide that we get carried along by -- and that most ordinary individuals have little power to affect. (Yes, i know, 'aggregated power' -- but it really is a power game, and between the massive power of states and leaders, and the minuscule power of individuals -- all i'm saying is that it takes many, many individuals to be able to affect the power of states and politicians...)
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i wonder how all this is going to fit into the writing. Only one way to find out ... ...
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grateful

So ... how did i arrive at today's blog post?
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Via a song called 'Eres Tu', which led me to a YouTube version sung (gorgeously) by the Philippine Madrigal Singers, which led me to more videos by said choir, which led me to remember The First School, and travelling with the school choir as one of the teachers-in-charge, which led me to think, wait, gosh, i really have been very blessed in my teaching career in some ways. i've had the opportunity to do a whole bunch of things that i love, to travel to different parts of the world doing a whole bunch of things i love. In every teaching job, i've made friends who stay friends to this day; had at least one good boss; found mentors; had the chance to do some good for some people.
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And then This Writing Thing -- in which, again, i've made friends, found mentors, met some truly amazing people, had the chance to make some difference in some small way.
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Considering that i seem to have stumbled into this life rather than planned for it in any kind of strategic way -- i must say, there's much to be grateful for.
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eyerolling ...

My chronic eyerolling problem is totally in overdrive today. GAH.
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Times like these, i miss my Class That Shouts. i never felt the need to roll my eyes at them.
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silence

i love the late night silence -- a silence in which i read, write, think, dream up new work. A lovely, fertile kind of silence, in which new thoughts can be born.
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The thought first occurred to me some years ago -- and i feel it with more force than ever now: writing is my home. When i'm writing -- that's when i feel most free. Which, in a sense, is a good thing, because it means i can be at home anywhere. In another sense, though, it means that i only feel at home in the world when i get to write: and finding the time and space to do that, is by no means an easy thing.
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letter from america (uncensored)

Why is everything in America so politicised? i'm starting to think that it's an inevitable consequence of the individualism that this country sees as its core, fundamental value. Because, of course, if everything is about me, myself, and I, then life becomes a constant battle of me against everyone else, a constant power struggle, a constant attempt to assert oneself against others (who are also asserting themselves against you). And what is politics if not a power struggle?

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Ok. i never liked America to begin with, and the longer i stay here, the more i dislike it. Oh dear. Can't wait for the summer holidays.
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In the meantime, though, i feel myself getting more and more detached from things around me. i came here to write, and more and more, that's all i want to do. Probably just as well. One can't be constantly getting angry and frustrated about the culture of the place you chose to go to with your eyes wide open. i guess one good thing to come out of all this is that i'm beginning to be able to articulate my dislike more, to understand it better. It comes down to a fundamental difference in values, i think: a fundamental opposition to what this country stands for and believes in.

Are there good things about America? Of course there are. There are nice people here, and the land itself is beautiful. But that doesn't mean that i'd ever want to live here. i can stay here as a visitor, a traveller, an observer -- like being a guest in a house where your hosts don't share your values and worldview. You can still be a good guest: polite, respectful. You can even help out with the housework. But you know that this house will never be your home.

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deep thought of the day

Reading Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire, it's just occurred to me that when most people say they want freedom, what they really want is power. The two are closely related, and easy to get mixed up, but they're not the same. 

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This is why revolutions (political, cultural, social, etc) so often go pear-shaped: because once the oppressed are 'freed' (ie, once they take power), they usually go on to seek even more power, and become oppressors themselves. 

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Note to self: Read up on 'freedom'. What is this thing called freedom, anyways??

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hermit crab

For better or for worse, i seem to feel less of a need to fit in and be the same as other people than most people do. Honestly, the hermit's life seems to quite suit me. i think this explains about 99% of the way my life has turned out.
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world enough, and time

It's funny how i feel so much more settled now that i no longer have to spend every Saturday afternoon shopping for furniture, and also, now that my books have arrived. It's like i finally have world enough and time to think about how i want to design my life here, to think about what exactly i want to do with this precious gift that is my fully-funded MFA programme.
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i chose this programme, and this city, because from what i saw online, it looked like a place which would give me opportunities to pursue my interests and do the kind of work i want to do. It looked like a place that would nourish the whole of me -- not just the writer, but also the nature-lover, the geek, the musician, the Christian. But somehow, for the first few months here, i was so mired in the mundane yet absolutely necessary tasks of daily living that i somehow lost the wood for the trees. Perhaps that is just part of the process of adjusting to a new place, a new life. In any case, i'm glad that all the furniture-buying is now more-or-less concluded (i'd still like to get a plant -- either real or fake -- to decorate the apartment, but other than that, i really do think i'm more-or-less done). Now to take a step back, and decide what i want from my life here.
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One decision that i can feel myself coming to, is that i'm going to just do my thing, and not care too much about what people around me are or are not doing. After all, i'm at least a decade older than most of my peers both in the MFA and in church, and there's no need to pretend that the things they're looking for in life right now are the things that i'm looking for, the things that i want. i've always lived like this, even back in Singapore -- in a sense, quite detached from people around me. i guess that's how i ended up with this relatively esoteric set of interests that don't necessarily go together very easily. And now that i'm in a foreign country, in a new city, i don't see why i should not go on living in this slightly-esoteric way, and in doing so, meeting the kind of people who would be 'my tribe'. That's always been my way -- not so much as a matter of deliberate policy, but simply because i 'followed my heart' in the most sensible way i knew how. It's all worked out pretty well, as far as i can see.
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So yes, having the time and space to finally think about life, is helping me come to some conclusions that i think will be more in line with what i want, who i am, who i think i was made to be. Happy thoughts. Here's to going out and doing the kinds of things that i want to do, that will make me feel at home.
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