ten years

i've just realised that the 10th Anniversary of this blog came and went unnoticed 23 days ago. Good God. Ten years. The mind truly boggles. What was i doing ten years ago??? (Answer: being a very different person ... )
.

.
.

maybe

The new Cabinet line-up is out. And, ridiculously, over-optimistically (so says the skeptic in me ... ), i am feeling, not hopeful, for that would be taking it too far, but definitely forward-looking about our future. It's a visionary Cabinet line-up -- bold and, if not imaginative, then most definitely creative in a good way, responsive to the challenges that we're facing as a nation.

.

It's kinda weird how -- despite the constant tension headache-&-neckache and the eyes dried out from the haze, and whatever vocational anxieties i may be having personally as i try to find a way for my writing -- i'm feeling more forward-looking (assiduously avoiding the word 'hopeful' ... ) about this country's future than i've ever felt before. i like the fact that our leaders are daring to change things, make adjustments, and i think the changes are good and needful changes, responsive to the times. i like the fact that Singaporeans are starting to think and speak up. i even like the 70/30 election results -- i think they show, not a fearful conservatism as some have argued, but a sensible acknowledgement of the wider global context within which Singapore has to operate, and an awareness of the need for a fundamental stability in times when transition and change are forced on us from outside.

.

Maybe it's cos i've been forced -- partly by circumstances, and partly by my own personality and personal preferences -- to stay here in Singapore for the foreseeable future. But i've been ... adjusting ... to this place. i don't think 'putting down roots' is quite the right way to put it, not yet, anyway. But learning to look for opportunity where in the past i only saw deficiency, learning to think of ways to compensate (for myself, at least) for the things this place lacks and never will provide. i don't think i will ever love this country unequivocally -- firstly, i'm just not a very unequivocal person, and secondly, the place is too small and i think i will always see that smallness as more of a liability than an asset. But i guess i'm starting to feel, and not just think, that we've actually done pretty well as a country so far, and given the way the future is looking for the world at large, we are pretty well-positioned to find our way in the next couple of decades. 

.

Let's hope these do not turn out to be Famous Last Words ......

.

.

calming

One thing about Bach's keyboard music played on the piano: it can sound so wonderfully clarifying and calming. Suddenly the brain/head just feels less tight, less tense. Thank God for music. It's the sound of the piano, i think, and not just the music itself. Like a clear limpid stream. i don't think the effect would be the same on, say, a harpsichord.
.
In other news. It would be good to learn from Bach's music, to apply its lessons in my life. Take time. Breathe. Pray. Don't rush. Build on what you already have. Be orderly. Stay calm. Pause. Think. Breathe. (And yes. Even in the haze.) .
.
.

hazy red dot

i miss breathable air. i guess the haze is a good reminder -- as if we ever needed any reminders -- of our vulnerability as a country. Given how things are here, i can't even begin to imagine what it must be like in Sumatra and Kalimantan. Sigh. i miss Norway.
.
.

moscato

i think, alcohol allergy notwithstanding, i would like to treat myself to a half-glass of Moscato. Chilled. Yes. i think that might be very nice right about now.
.
.

senegal mahogany

The Senegal Mahogany is a beautiful sturdy towering tree with a trunk more than a metre wide, greyish, scaly bark, and light-green compound leaves that reach down gently to the grass beneath.
.
It comes from Africa, and brings with it great stories. It's a hardy, resilient tree; with lots of practicial uses, including medicinal ones. It's not just ornamental, not just  摆 美 。 i quite like its name, too. It sounds very musical.

.
.

kyrie

i need to find my centre again. All this noise from the elections has decentred me, made me antsy, angsty, angry, and not at peace. i think the marking doesn't help. Neither does the haze.
.
All around the world things are going absolutely insane. There's no safe refuge anywhere. If it's not some human-made disaster, then it's nature going amok. What have we done. Mercy, Lord. This world needs you more than ever before.
.
.

word of the week

New favourite word:
.
disingenuous (adj): ˌdɪsɪnˈdʒɛnjʊəs
not candid or sincere, typically by pretending that one knows less about something than one really does.
.
.

thinking out loud

So much sound and fury over this election. i guess one thing that is distressing a lot of people is that we aren't really listening to each other. All of us monologuing, ultimately, arguing for our own causes and our own perspectives without honestly listening to and addressing the views of the other side.
.
i think the issues might be broadly classified as:
.
1) Freedom vs Security
2) Govt welfare spending vs Private / Market mechanisms for uplifting the poor
.
As usual i find myself caught in the middle. As a writer i do value the freedom of expression. Yet i know also that every freedom when exercised impinges on somebody else's freedom in one way or another. In this case, i think there are some freedoms that, for me, are sacrosanct, and for Singapore, should remain sacrosanct. The freedom not to have one's race or religion mocked or derided, for example. i think that is more important than any individual's freedom of expression.
.
Also, i happen to value community over the individual. Call me a diehard Asian. But it's a matter of values, ultimately, and that is how the chips fall for me. Maybe i've seen enough of what too much freedom can do to a society -- the USA, anyone? (ok, i guess if it is not clear by now, i am biased against the US. i don't like the place, and that is why i chose, ultimately, not to go there for further studies. i apologise to any Americans reading this blog. It's not personal. i just don't value as highly as you do the things that your country prioritises. That is all.) My experiences in the pioneering team that started the first Integrated Programme in Singapore also played a huge role in moving me away from my former liberalism. i saw what happened when we gave the kids too much freedom, not enough structure. It was an ugly mess, and nobody gained from the system, neither the kids nor the teachers nor the school. To this day, from what i hear from people still teaching there, things have not changed much. i don't want Singapore to make those mistakes, just for some abstract ideal of freedom rooted more in Western liberal thought than in any tradition belonging to any of our original ethnic communities here in Singapore.
.
Of course, i do think, in some cases, the Gahmen really does need to give people a space to speak and be heard. It could, for a start, learn to not be so sensitive to criticism. The world is a different place from 50 years ago, and Singaporeans are a cosmopolitan bunch, exposed to ideas from developed societies elsewhere, and wanting those ideas to take root here in Singapore as well. Ideas about civil rights, for example. Any heavy-handed response to critical comments about the Gahmen, is perceived as insecurity and arrogance. So learning to be more open-hearted will be good for the G's relationship with the citizenry. Not only that. Any society or organisation needs variety to make it robust and resilient. It's true of genetics; it's true also, i think, of ideas. Difference is important, because it is what equips societies with a variety of different tools for dealing with the full variety of challenges that it has to face. So both in terms of PR and also in terms of good ol' Singaporean pragmatism, the Gahmen needs to adapt and learn to embrace difference, while still exercising leadership and setting a direction. A difficult but necessary balance.

i think this election is showing that the excessively strict control of the past has had a detrimental effect on Singaporeans' ability to think fairly, fair-mindedly. Sometimes, watching the response to the Opposition parties here, it feels to me as if Singaporeans are like pastors' kids gone wrong: growing up in an excessively strict environment, all they need is the first whiff of freedom and everyone is suddenly going berserk. Babies being thrown out with the bathwater left right and centre.There has to be, must be, another way.
.
The other area where the Gahmen really needs to review its current modus operandi is in its current approach towards our national history. My dad had friends who ended up being exiled in the Thai jungles for their political beliefs during the immediate post-independence period. They've never come back, because to return would be to face criminal charges in court. They're old now, and so much time has passed. They bear little anger towards the Gahmen -- i think they accepted, even at the time, that politics is a dirty game and there are winners and losers. That doesn't mean that i think their stories should just be allowed to be drowned in some well of historical amnesia. It's bad for Singapore, in the long run, if these parallel (not alternative, parallel) stories are silenced. So the Gahmen could be less paranoid and fearful, because clamping down on these other voices does not increase the G's credibility, contrary to what it thinks. Instead, it makes it look like the G has something to hide, and it gives the anti-Gahmen crowd more fuel for their fire. i wish the Gahmen would do themselves a favour, and admit that there are always different perspectives on any historical event. Any human story for that matter.
.
And if the Gahmen doesn't trust Singaporeans to understand that, then OK, i can understand the distrust. i teach, and so i see how some of our 18-year-olds think. i'm not sure if they will necessarily be thinking any differently or better when they get older. But in that case, then i think the solution is to highlight to the public that there are different perspectives. Perhaps education has something to do with this as well. (Yes, always, blame the education system. It's as convenient as blaming parents. But unfortunately, education often does have a lot to do with it.) Perhaps some systematic and thorough teaching of critical thinking is necessary. Not integrated into some other subject like History or General Paper, but as a subject in its own right. i remember the CORT Thinking lessons i had back in primary school. Those were useful, i felt. Fun and accessible even at a pretty young age. i do wonder if it would work with all students. A pilot programme, perhaps, across a broad range of schools with kids of different abilties? That might be a good idea.

And finally, the question of parliamentary representation. Surely, voting more opposition MPs into Parliament should do the trick? Well, yes, but. i refuse to vote for the opposition simply because it is not the incumbent. Whoever i vote for, it will be because 1) i agree with their party's vision and policy direction, and 2) i believe that the individual MP is honest and capable.
.
.
2)
Helping the less privileged -- govt welfare, or private initiative + the market?
.
Sitting on the fence, again. And again, it is because of my background. (Story-telling here, unfortunately. Please indulge me for a moment.)
.
My dad grew up in a poor family. My grandparents were uneducated pig-farmers, and Dad lived in a kampung until his mid-40s. As a child in the 1930s and 40s, he had to juggle his schoolwork, helping out on the farm, and also, selling pet fish to help supplement the household income. He had 8 younger siblings, and although he could have gone to university, he didn't, because he had to start work to earn money for the family.
.
Dad was the poor boy made good of the family. He's the one who managed to keep a good, stable job; live frugally and save enough to buy landed property; marry a good sensible and wise woman who manages the household well. He even got a university degree eventually -- albeit through distance-learning with Xiamen University in the 1960s. His siblings didn't do so well. Some of them fell into gambling; quite a few of them made poor life decisions, married unwisely, were just generally layabouts who didn't make good use of the opportunities given to them. Dad tried to advise and warn them, of course. But at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own choices; they were stubborn and insisted on their own way. i have an uncle who, to this day, occasionally comes to borrow money from us claiming that he needs it for his daughter. That is not true. He uses the money to gamble, and sometimes pays us back. Sometimes. My mum now has a cap on how much we will allow him to owe us at any one time; we are strict about enforcing this rule. There has to be a line drawn somewhere.
.
So i am both sympathetic to the poor and disadvantaged, and also, skeptical of claims that they cannot be made to bear responsibility for their plight. Of course that is sometimes true. Sometimes, life does throw us curveballs; sometimes our circumstances do prevent us from living a flourishing life. But very often, we do have some degree of control over how we respond to circumstances and therefore, how things eventually work out. There's no black and white answer.
.
When i look at the arguments for more welfare, i wholeheartedly agree with the need to do more for the underprivileged here in Singapore. i'm just not convinced that the answer is to give them more money. Not directly, anyway. i think the answer is to enable education; to put in place structures to ensure that children are not disadvantaged by the sins of their fathers. All of which our government already does do to some degree.
.
The problem is, not enough. And the reason it's not enough, is because our society has changed so fast (third world to first, in 50 years), and because poverty is relative. Most of current policies were put in place long ago (i need to check when; but i know it's been some time). Singapore was different then. There was less income inequality; most people were in the lower or lower-middle income groups. Social policy gave these people equal opportunities to get ahead. But, as the story of my dad and his siblings indicates, even with equal opportunities, some people are just more equal than others. Either in natural talent and ability and character, or, unfortunately, in the Unexpected Life Events that happen to all of us at some point through no fault of our own. So Singapore is a different place now. We have one of the highest Gini coefficients in the world. The Gahmen needs to do something about this. So far it has not done enough. But it is adapting. And i believe it will keep on adapting. And at the end of the day, between a (slowly) adapting government that values fiscal prudence, and new unknown people taking over the reins of power and the national budget, i'm going with the safe option. The world outside is so uncertain and unstable now, and we are a tiny red dot that nobody has any reason to give a shit about. This is not the time for sudden change, and major mistakes require a lot of time to recover from; and once something like excessive welfarism becomes a habit, it is hard to eradicate. That has been the experience in other countries. Who are we to believe that human nature is any different here in Singapore?
.
Maybe i'm growing old. But i feel such a gulf between me and my younger friends, and also, my artsy liberal friends. The temptation is to join in the shouting with everyone else; exchange sharp arguments on Facebook or in face-to-face conversation. But i don't think that would help matters. i wrote this to clarify my own thoughts. But also to at least try to speak to both sides while explaining my stand. i think we HAVE to, as a nation. It's difficult, but we have to try.
.
i'm not so optimistic or self-deluded to think that what i've written here will be good enough for anyone else. But for the moment, it's good enough for me. My conscience is clear. i know where i stand, and why. And now i can get back to the damned marking.
.
.

arts people grrrrrrrr.......

Just sayin'. i hope this country is never run by artists. Arts people. If that ever happens, i. am. emigrating. It'll be like if we ever go nuclear-power. i think having arts people running a country, would be as potentially disastrous as having nuclear power plants in Singapore.
.
.

nothing to say

When i say, "i have nothing to say" in my writing, what i mean is usually one of the following:
,
1) i don't care about the topic and therefore have no meaningful thoughts about it.
.
2) i have no original thoughts on the topic and i don't see the point in just jumping on a bandwagon and repeating what ten thousand other people have already said. Life's too short.
.
3) i have LOTS to say, but saying it will make me a pariah in some form or other, and i don't care enough about the topic to want to be martyred for my views.
.
.

yes

Just came back from a most sublime performance of Beethoven's 4th Piano Concerto, Stephen Hough with the SSO. O. M. G. It was electric. It's been a long time since i've heard music played like that. (i really can't remember when the last time was. Certainly, even the Berlin Phil's performances here back in, i think it was 2010, didn't have the same energy.) AND he played his own cadenza. i'm not sure if Beethoven would have been rejoicing or rolling over in his grave, but asides from that, it was such a refreshing experience, hearing new music in a classical concert.
.
On a high now. Doesn't hurt that i found a good book on trees on the way back from the concert -- decided to pop into a new bookstore i hadn't seen before, and within 5 minutes i'd bought their one copy of a newly-published book about trees.
.
Maybe there is something in the idea that when you say Yes to the Universe, or God, things start happening to make your yes a reality.
.
PS:
Then again. Sometimes you say yes and the door slams shut in your face. So i guess. Life is complicated. :)
.
.

addendum

Addendum to my previous post:
.
When i speak of 'change' -- it's not that i want the political system here to change. i think we get many things right -- when we look at them from a broader perpective -- ie, considering that we really are a tiny red dot in a much, much, much bigger world; that many of our problems are shared by many other countries and are the result of larger global forces over which our government, honestly, has little control; that in fact many other countries have far worse problems than we do; and that, by right, we really shouldn't exist as an independent nation. (And to those who point out that we were a thriving port city before Independence -- well, yes, we were a highly successful outpost of the British Empire. And even if we look at the pre-British history, we were always tied to some other more powerful state -- as its satellite or outpost. We were never independent. i stand by my view that, all things considered, the fact that we have survived and thrived as an independent state since 1965 is a miracle.)
.
The change i'm speaking of, is the fact that people are now finding that, lo and behold, we have opinions! Because for once, we have options. And i daresay that many of us are finding out, to our discomfort, that our opinions differ from those of our close friends, families, colleagues. And that's just wonderful. Having to cope with difference is a wonderful thing. i hope we all grow from this, that it fosters a greater tolerance for difference, a greater openness. Hopefully. i just hope we don't get the opposite situation where people just close themselves up against those who think differently, and end up in a comfortable little huddle with those who think the same. i hope to God we do not become another USA.
.
.

halcyon afternoon

i think i will remember this afternoon. Walking back home from Serangoon Central after having deposited my watch at the watch repair shop, feeling mildly thankful for the relative mildness of the afternoon sun, looking at trees (i find myself very attentive to trees these days), then hearing the PAP campaign truck trundling into the estate, with SKP's rather stilted voice exhorting the 'dear residents' to 'vote PAP'. i haven't yet heard the WP truck, though if i'm not wrong they did come round a few days ago. The clipped tones of a female radio presenter (for some reason i can't remember now whether she was speaking in English or Mandarin) drifted through the open windows of one of the houses. When i got back to home and looked outside as the PAP truck passed by, i noticed a mynah perched in the rambutan tree next door, spreading its wings as if it was doing a stretching exercise, then depositing a small yet visible spot of bird-dropping (question: what is the partitive -- sub-question: is that what it's called? -- for bird-droppings?) on the grass below.
.
i'm not sure where this feeling came from, but for those few minutes, i just felt lucky to be here, in Singapore, at this time when things seem set to change, and when it feels like i can have a meaningful part to play.
.
In other news. Now that i've decided in favour of writing, things feel right again, i don't feel so torn and exhausted anymore. But this time, i know better than to expect this state of affairs to last. Before long, i'm sure, i'll once again be bitching inwardly about all the things that annoy and frustrate me about the writing scene, the writing vocation. But for now, it's nice to feel at rest, and certain that i've chosen right.
.
.

nuance

Nuance is a rare commodity these days. Or perhaps it's always been. So much easier to take a polarised, and polarising, view. Please God let me be on the side of nuance. Let me have a nuanced view even of nuance itself. And give me a place from which i can speak it and be heard. And let it make a difference.
.
.

be

Just over 2 more months to Taiwan. And by then, Singapore will have her next Parliament. i can't believe this is the first election since 1963 when all seats will be contested. Exciting times, indeed ...
.
Can't wait for the Taiwan trip. Some time-out time in the mountains -- a Taiwanese Vermont, as a friend put it, complete with 山水 and bamboo and good homecooking. Time to be quiet, time to think, time to write. Time to just be.
.
.