looking for home

For a long time now, i've been trying to articulate exactly why i feel so not-at-home in Singapore. It's been incredibly difficult to do -- 'incredibly', because i'm normally a pretty articulate person and i usually try to think deeply about things, and i'm usually able to come up with insights into things that matter to me. Not in this case, though -- and what i've ended up doing instead is giving some pretty stupid and shallow-sounding reasons to deep-thinking friends, and feeling like i must come across as pretty stupid and shallow as a result.

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i guess, to some degree, things like feeling at home are hard to justify, hard to rationalise. What makes it even harder in this case is that there are actually quite a few things about Singapore that i don't like -- the fact that it's so small, that there are so few (none?) natural spaces, the way people celebrate being kiasu and kiasi, the way i simply do not identify with the national hobbies of shopping and eating, the under-developed cultural scene... etc etc. Still -- not liking aspects of a place need not translate into feeling not-at-home. Not necessarily.

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So i end up telling people, oh, you can't get "world class classical music" here, and immediately after i say that, i feel how shallow and inconsequential that is. 

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So here's my latest attempt. i think, feeling at home in a place for me would have to include feeling that the things that matter to me matter to the people in that place, too; that the things i'm good at doing are valued by the wider community. Feeling a sense of congruence / affinity with the people around me. And perhaps that is why i feel so out-of-place and so alien here. i'm good at writing -- people here don't read. i write slow, reflective one-off essays -- for which there is no market here in Singapore. i value doing things slowly, taking time to let things grow, thinking things through rather than following the latest fad -- Singaporeans want to do things fast, measuring success in quantifiable KPIs that, especially in the arts, often don't take quality into account. And doing things fast often means following already-existing paths and copying / improving on what others have done before (i.e., faddishness). For me, a successful life would be one in which i'm at peace with the way i am and what i've done, one in which i've made a meaningful contribution and in which i've been true to what matters to me -- for most Singaporeans, success is measured in more material terms, in terms of how well one has managed to attain 'targets' or markers of success as perceived by the community. 

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Things like "world class classical music" -- i think, these things matter not so much in and of themselves. But they matter because a place that makes room for "world class classical music" is also a place that values things like the arts, that allows the people who live there to make a life, make a living, honing their art to the highest possible standards. Such a place, by necessity, would have to value things like taking time to work towards excellence; it would have to value the intangibles in life that cannot be measured in purely material terms. And it would have to be willing to reward these intangibles financially, because people need to live, and you can't just tell your world-class artists and musicians to live on air. 

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More importantly, such a place would naturally contain people for whom these things matter. And i think, that's really the crux of it. Back to what i said earlier -- it's about finding other people who think the same way as one does, it's about feeling affirmed and validated in one's gifts and life choices.
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i'm not expecting or asking for a place where everyone in the community values these things: that's just impossible. But at least, a place where there is a big-enough segment of society, a big-enough pocket of the community, which values these things. Critical mass, i think the word is. Enough critical mass to provide support and make these values liveable, practically, in real life.

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i guess, the particular combination of things that matter to me -- doesn't make it any easier to find a 'home'. It's probably partly due to my family and educational background -- but not too many people here in Singapore contain within themselves the particular set of influences that have shaped me and made me the person i am. Add religion into the mix -- and the particular tone that my faith has taken over the years...... 

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i do realise that what i seem to be childishly hankering after is some sort of personal utopia that i'm not likely to find anywhere on earth. i don't think i'm ever going to find congruence with any community of people anywhere -- there will always be something that doesn't match. i don't think anyone will ever find congruence with any community anywhere, unless they happen to be the kind of people who are just extraordinarily good at changing themselves to fit into their surrounding environments. There are people like that, and perhaps they are they ones who are most likely to make a success of their lives, anywhere, anytime.
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But i'm not one of those people. i've tried it before -- tried to adapt, to set aside my values and my heart, to 'make do' with something that's not what i truly want or feel comfortable with. It's never worked -- i've done it with my love life and my work life -- and both times, it's been ... let's just say... less than a success.
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Perhaps, though, that explains the continued attraction to London -- despite the tiny little problem of there being no plausible way in sight that will allow me to find a job there. Because i know that congruence is not going to happen, i'd be happy to settle for simply a place where i can enjoy the things i enjoy simply because they are actually available there. As opposed to being unavailable / non-existent here in Singapore. To be in a place where my ears can enjoy good music at a reasonable price, where i can spend weekends quietly browsing in bookstores or walking along the river -- for free! Where i can get out of the city and take refuge in green spaces once in a while; where a few hours' train ride will take me to places with lakes and open skies and wide undulating landscapes without tropical heat and sweating forests and mosquitos. Yes. In a dream-world, that would be very nice indeed.
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In the meantime, though, over in the Real World, i guess the best i can do is to try to cobble together, or find substitutes for, all the things i've been talking about, here in Singapore. Instead of wonderful live concerts, listen to Spotify and CDs. Instead of real-life bookshops, buy books online. Instead of wonderful bits of nature on weekends, save up enough money to at least get to visit places with wonderful bits of nature at least once a year, on holiday. Instead of having people to share my thoughts and enthusiasms with, just settle for people to work with and eat with. i suppose Real Life is always about compromise.

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