this is newness (2)

I'm trying to remember if I've ever felt this way before. I don't think so. This is newness - this dazed sense of the future opening up before me with choices that are really mine to choose, and this yearning for 'more and more and then more of it', as Marie Howe put it so memorably in 'What The Living Do'. It's like standing before a vast piece of empty land with a shovel in hand, wanting to rush out and turn the whole into a ripe billowing field of every possible crop ever known to mankind - and knowing that I have only a shovel, and that no one plants a field with more than one main crop at any one time. Sure, there's crop rotation, but which shall I start with first? And how to choose?

That explains the relative silence on this blog over the last few months - too many things happening, life moving in too many unexpected directions more quickly than I am used to. Real life happening, so that suddenly the cyberlife seems that much less interesting and compelling. I really don't think I'll be doing too much random fandom websurfing in the near future - real life beckoning, and oh so much of it - there's just no time to waste on the internet anymore.

Not that I'm complaining - it's good to feel alive, it's good to want things, and it's good to be able to see possible futures, possible desirable futures, even within whatever constraints life has put in place for me right now. It's new to me - and I'm relishing the feeling, but at the same time, I can't stand here gaping with my shovel forever.

So, I'll need to get a move on. I need to decide. Oh God help me make the right choices, and at the right time.
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