bad news, and how to help

i learnt several years ago that people very often are at a loss as to what to do when you tell them bad news about your life, or when you share with them something difficult that you're going through. Or at least, i think this is true of people who haven't themselves gone through tough stuff.

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Often, they'll mouth some well-meaning but ultimately meaningless platitude such as "Oh, i'm sure it'll be alright eventually", or "Oh, you'll be fine, don't worry" -- as if they had any insight into how things would work out in future. If they're Christian or religious in some way, they might say things like, "i'm sure God has his reasons", or, even worse, "Remember that all suffering only serves to bring us closer to God" -- (in that case, i guess they must be so wishing that they could suffer more and must be so envious of all the suffering people in the world for their closeness to God). Another category of response that i found absolutely tactless: the people who take the opportunity to extract some sort of life lesson for their own lives, such as "When i see these things happening to people, it reminds me that i have to (insert imperative statement on steps they have to take to sort out their own lives)", as if your bad news was their inspiration for some timely self-improvement project. (Hip hip hooray. i am so happy for you that my pain has been of some service to you.) Sometimes, people just tell you to "take care" and then disappear off the radar completely and you never hear from them again. They don't even bother to follow-up with you and ask you how you're doing.

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It's difficult, of course -- we feel so helpless when we see someone we care about suffering, and the first instinct is to do something that we hope will make them feel better, but may actually just be a way of (unconsciously? subconsciously?) relieving our own discomfort. Surely, though, learning how to be with friends and loved ones through tough times is an essential life-skill. If i had to pin it down, i would say it comes down to two things: presence, and/or usefulness. 

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Presence -- simply being there, being available, listening without offering any judgement or advice. This can be so immensely reassuring for the person who's going through the tough situation: just knowing that he/she is not alone. Sometimes, words are unnecessary, and silence is truly golden. 

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Usefulness -- finding practical ways to help. This requires a bit more thought, time, and effort, of course. But i remember back in the first workplace when one of my colleagues came down with a serious illness: a few of the older teachers organised themselves to help her with things like groceries and house-cleaning, and one of them even made it a point to buy her her favourite gossip magazine every week. i thought that was so kind of them, and i'll remember it for a long time to come. When my dad passed away, my older cousins all chipped in to help with organising the wake and funeral. i still remember one of them stopping by early one morning with some steamed dumplings (i think it was dumplings; if not, then it was bao) that he'd bought my family for breakfast. We were so grateful -- the last thing on our minds at the time was what to have for breakfast, and we would have made do with just bread and jam, but it was so wonderful to have something freshly-cooked and piping hot and very delicious, because of course my cousin had bought the dumplings (or bao ... ) from some renowned shop, and they tasted very, very good.

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i don't think it takes much to communicate these life-skills to people. And it can make such a big difference when people are going through tough times. Definitely something to make known more widely.

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